The first time I ever felt you kick, I thought it was just gas. And the next, I thought it was just my stomach telling me to eat breakfast. A few more times, I thought it was just my pregnant digestive system acting up. I wish I could’ve been more observant. I wish I could’ve recorded it in my calendar so I could remember that on this day, my little one let me know that he is alive and well.
During the fifth month of the enlargement of my uterus, I began to get annoyed at the movements inside my tummy. I can feel him stretching his limbs and kicking me everywhere without any care if I am getting uncomfortable. I often think to myself how I’d like for this to be over soon and that I cannot wait for the incessant kicking to just stop. And then it got quiet inside of me.
I began to miss that feeling I once thought was so annoying. I often got struck by paranoia because the movements became less frequent and the impact less intense. I immediately regretted thinking about him being still. It was the worst feeling not to feel your baby growing healthy inside you. My views on kicking did a 360.
Now, when I feel any sudden movements in my tummy, I am overjoyed. I swell with pride. I feel like I am becoming more like a mother. I still cannot wait for this to be over soon. I cannot wait to hold my little one, to touch his tiny hands with his tiny fingers. I cannot wait to see my baby for the first time.
Telling somebody for the first time what I was going through then was tough. The first time we found out for sure, I still remember so vividly. I was in the bathroom and I peed on the stick. I was waiting for the result to come out and I thought to myself how anticlimactic this was compared to similar scenes on television. I hate to admit that I was nervous, so I just blamed the air-conditioning for the shivers in my spine.
And there it was. The most horrible lines I have ever seen in my life. I screamed, “positive! Positive”! He knocked on the door and saw it for himself. I immediately went for the bedroom and laid on my back. Tears welled up and trickled down my face. He hugged me and reassured me that everything will be okay. He loved me and he is not going anywhere I am not. It was one of the worst and best days I ever had. It became a fact that I was carrying our child in my womb.
I know some of you are wondering and are itching to ask me one question. Yes, I am going to be a mother. In about three and a half months. I am going to give birth to a lovely baby with my husband by my side. And our family will receive a new blessing we are going to be thankful for the rest of our lives.
I’ll admit that it hasn’t been an easy journey, especially during the time we (my boyfriend then and husband now, and I) found out for the first time. I was slowly going down in a spiral. He was always there to support me; his stead never faltering. But of course, when you see your whole world is falling apart, you ignore everything else and just focus on the helplessness you are feeling. My school performance was failing; my work performance was failing. I was failing at everything.
I blew school off. I blew work off. I blew friends off. I blew family off. I blew him off. It got even worse and I became so desperate. For a while, I considered terminating this pregnancy. He understood how I felt and considered this option too. But ultimately, he couldn’t risk my health and felt it was unfair for us to handle a life with such negligence. He explained himself and showed me a plan of action, starting with forgetting any plans to go the easy way out of this. He made me realize that I do have his full support and he is willing and is going to do everything in his power to make this even a little easier for me. He told me he loved me and he is going to be strong for the both of us for as long as he can, but that I have to be strong at some point too because he can’t carry the world alone forever.
I was relieved. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have someone so determined to fight this fight with me. At that time, I knew regretting is pointless. I only had one option, and that is to move forward. And to move forward, I had to tell someone first.
The posts following this will be an account of real events, a revelation of some sort. I know that I don’t owe the majority of the people allowed to read these an explanation, but for those I do owe one, I hope these will be enough to avoid the awkward encounters that are bound to happen. I am not ashamed now and I never was. I just didn’t want those people who care about me to feel uncomfortable or to worry, because I can handle it. We are handling this, one step at a time.
Tomorrow is the day it all starts and ends at the same time. It’s the beginning of a lifelong commitment that never in my wildest dreams I’d think to commit to. It’s the ending of an era of immaturity and irresponsibility. It’s a metamorphosis I’m willing to undergo, because the mature self cocooned inside me will need to step up sooner than later.
Tomorrow, I will not only change my name or my civil status, I will be changing and setting my priorities straight. I understand now that I cannot be self-absorbed anymore; I need to always remember that it is not only myself in this. We are going to have a family; we already are starting a family. And there is no space for selfishness here, only for love and compassion and everything else I will learn about soon.
Tomorrow is the day I never thought I ever wanted in the first place. But I am happily accepting the challenge with no ounce of regret. I would not have all these any other way. It is not a sad thing that I will be marrying at such a young age or that I will be a mother soon. I don’t wonder about what would have happened because if not for these, I would not have found the joy I am feeling right now. I would not have found true love. I am confident to say I am not forced in this arrangement. I willingly want to spend the rest of my life with my love and this family we are starting. I am truly in bliss and at peace with everything, no matter what the future may hold for us.
It’s mom meets mom day today. My mother has been bugging us to set a date for her to meet my mother-in-law-to-be for weeks now, but it’s been hard to find a common free date among the two. My mom is busy with her new school; she just became a public school teacher. And his mom is busy with business. My fiancé often joked about them meeting on the wedding day itself but of course my mom won’t allow that since she herself has a lot of issues with her in-laws.
My mom’s friend, along with her husband, will be here for all these too. They will be in the wedding also, as witnesses. She was a colleague of my mom and my fiancé in the private school where they all previously taught. Hopefully, today will be light and fun for everybody. Well, with the exception of myself because I’m pretty sure I’ll be out of place because of the age gap. (I’m 19 and everybody else is 20+++, including my fiancé haha)
My fiancé will also be cooking everything they will be eating. I’m not sure about the menu but I think I heard my mom we will be barbecuing something. And my fiancé will also finally cook for us a pasta recipe from their province, Pancit Lukban. I’m kind of excited about the food because I’ll eat anything my personal chef cooks. 🍴👫💏
In 12 days, everything will change yet be the same altogether. A ring on the fourth finger, a new surname, a new life together…