I keep retracing my steps every time I realize that I am losing my way to reaching my goals. And every single time, I come to one conclusion: I need to learn how to focus on what really matters. But focusing is not an easy task. It is much easier to indulge in the distractions. It is so much easier to simply procrastinate.
So today, as I was looking for more ways to procrastinate and continue living like it’s already the most-awaited semestral break, I came across Behind the Hustle.com and found several articles on motivating and inspiring creativity and productivity. One of the tips I picked up on is to not only create your to-do list, but to write your own not-to-do list as well. In the hope of keeping myself in focus until this (hell of a) semester is over, I made one.
(I can’t seem to make the screenshot larger so here’s what it says:)
Language, MRL long exams
Language, Hum 2 final exams
Getting through this sem
X Ignore List
TV (esp. Lost and Downton Abbey)
Twitter (if I can help it)
Phone calls and messages
I know the Ignore List seems impossible (for me) but I have to make this work. Procrastinating no more (after publishing this blog post).
In my case, let the hell weeks roll. Come on. Just give it to me. I want to get this semester over with. Right about… now.
For months, I have been noticing how time’s passing by so fast. I keep telling myself that there’s no time to be lax because all this will be over soon. But now that there’s only less than a month left, it feels like the semester is taking it’s time just to annoy me. There are still less then thirty days left, and yet I feel like I’ve crossed the finished line already; when in reality, I still have two long exams, two final exams, one paper, one practical exam, and about 510 kilometers to travel. I can taste the success. I can feel the finish line breaking as I cross it. Why is the semestral break so near yet so far?
I know for a fact that all hell will break loose once the finals week arrive, but because I’m not sure I’ll ever feel it (because of the load I have), I absolutely made the mistake of starting to watch several TV series this week. With all my favorite TV shows coming back this season, this is really a terrible, terrible decision I made. Because my Grey’s Anatomy season 7 and House, MD season 8 torrent files won’t download with this pathetic excuse for a stable Internet service provider (fuck you, Smart Broadband), I started watching Castle and Lost this week. Castle is nice but it’s definitely not on my top TV shows list. I’ve only managed to watch until season 1, episode 5 before I felt like I needed a break the not-at-all witty jokes of Rick.
I only started watching Lost 16 hours ago and OMG I loved it since the pilot episode. I can’t believe I waited this long to watch this incredible series. A whole new level of respect for J. J. Abrams (Super 8 kind of sucked, no offense). I’m only on the fifth episode as well, but I know that no horrible episode can ever take back the love I have for this awesome series. Most of the time, I get scared of the monster thingy that keeps on taking down the trees in the jungle, but I suck it in anyway and keep on watching. So, in no apparent order, here’s an updated list of my favorite TV shows ever:
- Game of Thrones
- Downton Abbey
- House, MD
And other notable shows (for me):
- My So-Called Life
- Happy Endings
- The Vampire Diaries (There’s just got to be a supernatural teen romance drama included here)
- And other shows I can’t think of right now…
Okay. This is me going back to watching Lost.
For the past few days, I have been suffering from severe lethargy. I broke my 2-week record of arriving at school at 6:30 in the morning. I spent the weekend sleeping and watching Grey’s Anatomy. And yesterday, I even intended to ditch my 8:30 AM class and just sleep the whole day. It’s a kind of a blessing that my teacher suffered from LBM that morning so I actually didn’t miss my class. I am nowhere near finishing our language sampling analysis because I have been bitching about it all this time instead of actually working on it. My family (and I think my boyfriend too) is so tired of hearing about how hard transcribing is and how I don’t understand babbling. I, too, am sick of hearing myself complaining about the same thing every damned day. I should suck it all in and just do. So tell me, how do I fight lethargy?
Wow. Sixteen whole days since I last posted. Where did the time go?
My problem now is that I have too much time in my hands. Most college students would probably say they never have time for anything else but studying. I, on the hand, feel the opposite. I have a lot of time, I want to do more studying, but there’s just nothing to be studied now. A year ago, I would have seen this as one of the perks of being an irregular student with too few units this semester. I would have felt joy each time classes are cancelled or each time the professor decides he/she is too lazy to conduct his/her class. But it’s different now.
I’m actually astounded by the idea of me actually wanting to go to school. I’m shocked whenever I find myself in school at 6:30 in the morning when my class starts at 7:30 or even 8:30. Where did this innate craving for learning and working come from?
Everyday, I get irritated at the thought that I’m not doing anything when everyone else is cramming for an exam. I hate it. I hate that I’m able to study for an exam 2 weeks prior because I don’t have anything else to anticipate. I hate that I have no choice but to get high scores because, well, I have been studying for weeks. I hate the pressure. I hate the feeling that I’m of no use to anything. I just wish I’d get more load next semester. I just wish to be like any other normal UP student. I wish I can cram again for an exam (well, not really). I wish (some) things would go back to the way it was. This is just so overwhelming. Change is eating me alive.
(It’s kind of ironic how I’m ranting so much about having too much time but I don’t even have time to update this blog.)
I have this bad habit of running away from everything. My favorite words: avoid and ignore. I believed that it’s less stressful when you avoid and/or ignore problems. Oh, boy was I wrong. What I didn’t know before is that the stress would just pile up, one stinking problem on another. Sooner or later, the stress would multiply ten-fold and you’ll just have to face it. Or else, you’ll have a mental/emotional breakdown. Just like I did.
I thought I already learned my lesson but here I am again, pretending I have no problems to deal with. And now, it’s taking it’s toll on my relationship. My “boyfriend” has been nagging me about this attitude I have. And I don’t know how to fix it. I’m just wishing he’ll find some way to bend for me. ‘Cause I definitely won’t bend for him. I know, I’m unfair. I realized I’m not as considerate as I thought I am. Ughh, I’m the worst “girlfriend” ever. *end rant here*
It may seem like I’ve neglected my ‘blog, but no, I haven’t. Not really. I just had to prioritize more important things like school, relationships and family ties. I was drowning in responsibility and stress. For a moment, I forgot that writing has been one way for me to relieve stress and live through all of this. So here I am, writing again. (Also, I just got my laptop charger back. I broke it and well, I had to send it to the PC repair shop.) I’ll write again to fulfill my long-forgotten promise to never ever abandon this blog. I’ll write again to live.
I started watching Grey’s Anatomy a few weeks ago, and until now, I still remember this one quote from an episode of season 1.
“Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you’d get a bike for your birthday or if you’d get to eat cookies for breakfast. Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don’t be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck.”
Being an adult sucks. I wish I never had to grow up. I wish I never have to think about responsibilities and problems and stuff. I wish I can just be oblivious to everything. It’s just so difficult and stressful to deal with these stuff while trying to live your life. I wish I didn’t have to think about these things right now. Not right now, no. I wish I had more time to be a kid, a teenager.